Before I had Squishy, I was one of those people who were so grossed out when I saw a mom put out her hand to take chewed-up bubble gum, wipe a snotty nose with her bare hand, or eat the half chewed chicken nugget thrown on the floor because we don’t waste food in this house. I would never do that.
Of course I did all those things, and more. It’s no less disgusting when it’s your own kid, but something about having a baby lobotomizes the part of your brain that is responsible for detecting icky stuff.
I’ve also said things since becoming a mom (and an almost step-mom) that I never thought I’d say. The sad part is that none of these seemed particularly out of the ordinary when I was saying them.
10. Stop making your brother fart. He’s going to have an aneurysm.
9. The last time you ate that many blueberries it looked like you we’re smuggling Smurfs in your diaper.
8. Please stop barking at the neighbors.
7. I’m not sure if hippos technically have butt cheeks.
6. Did you poop or is that your feet?
5. Justin Beiber can’t be your boyfriend because he is a gigantic turd, and we already have enough of those around here.
4. If you bust your head open after I already told you to stop, I’m not taking you to the hospital.
3. No, I can’t poop on command.
2. Do I have spit up down my back? I smell it but I can’t see it.
And the number one thing I never thought I would say…
Did you poop? Are you sure? Let me see it.