Today is my birthday! Technically speaking I’m 29, but I’m not sure when I’ll actually start feeling like an adult. Here is a list of 29 things I’ve learned this year.
1. Gigantic, man-eating spiders only come out when your boyfriend isn’t home. Also, hairspray just pisses them off.
2. Your brand new grass won’t be “just fine” if you go away for a week and forget to ask someone to water it.
3. Eating canned anything is no longer acceptable.
4. I have enough Christmas decorations to cover every room in my house.
5. If I am going to make gingerbread houses with the kids, I need to make one for myself. My OCD can’t handle it. Gumdrops don’t go on doors, you tiny silly humans!
6. My house has a garage door that leads into our basement. If someone leaves this door open too long, you will find a headless mouse next to the washing machine.
7. After you find the mouse you will learn everything there is to know about building a second floor laundry room. You will also google shrunken head curses for the idiot who put the laundry room in the basement in the first place.
8. I can’t stay up past 10:30 without being really grumpy.
9. It’s important to buy good coffee.
10. I still gag when I eat mushrooms, no matter how small.
11. My boyfriend is Betty Crocker. Or as I refer to him, Barry Crocker. Blackberry cheesecake from scratch, anyone?
12. I have a yarn hoarding problem. It was inevitable.
13. Maple Bacon donuts are the best thing I’ve ever shoveled in my face. Do not argue with me or tell me it’s gross. You are wrong, and no longer welcome here.
14. Drinking with your mom is both hysterical and educational.
15. Taking 4 kids to the mountains to cut down a Christmas tree is worth every second of motion sickness.
16. I can now suffer from motion sickness in the front seat.
17. Hope for the best, expect a sweater.
18. It’s not ok to drive past my dream home (which we were out-bid on) and scream obscenities at the current owners.
19. Houses need names. For example, my 1950’s house is named Betty.
20. Betty doesn’t like her AC unit.
21. Mustaches are fun.
22. My precious Squishy is a goof ball. Ok, I already knew that, but I just wanted an excuse to show her off.
23. I will never, ever get tired of spicy food. I’m talking melt-your-makeup, runny nose, hiccups kind of spicy.
24. I am an Apple product junkie.
25. I made Stella Artois famous. After I started drinking it, it started showing up as the default beer in all the new movies.
26. I am not above tongue kissing an In-N-Out burger. (In-N-Out is a fast food restaurant based on the other side of the freaking country. It’s probably best there’s not one here.)
27. My daughter does, in fact, understand cuss words in spanish. She will use them correctly, and with perfect pronunciation…when you least expect it.
28. I still like to build forts…even when there are no children in the house.
29. No matter how old I get, I will always find humor in juvenile things.