Can’t Think. I Have the Dumb.

Writer’s block is no fun.  I have about 17 drafts saved right now, and none of them are any good after the first few sentences.  Maybe I should just write a blog of one liners?

Well now there’s an idea.  I present to you a random sampling of Facebook posts I’ve made on my personal page.  (There might be an objectionable word or two.)

  • Just saw an ad in a magazine for beef stew. My mouth was watering until I realized it was a dog food ad. I feel like I should be more grossed out.
  • Just saw a man driving a lawn mower down the road with a trailer attached. The trailer contained a rather large woman, sprawled out, drinking from a flask. I can only imagine the series of events that led up to this.
  • If the neighborhood floods someone has to promise to send me coffee. And toilet paper. Oh and beer. We need beer.
  • Eating sushi at the mall. How’s that for living on the edge?
  • After getting in the sweltering hot car, Squishy said, “Whew! It’s hotter than Justin Bieber in here!” Face palm.
  • I just built a fort…and there are currently zero children in the house.
  • I did it. I said no to office food for the first time since…ever.
  • Just choked on my coffee. It was weird. Kind of like being bitch slapped by your best friend.
  • Where’s my shank?
  • I can’t believe I made it out of Walmart alive. Traumatized and blind, but alive.
  • Dress shopping is horrid! I’d rather be in my jammies.
  • Ahhh, my first caramel macchiato this season. My treat for not kicking or biting the dentist. Now if I could just control my lip…
  • If there was an award for greatest make out scene, my coffee cup and I would win hands down.
  • Compliment of the day: “Well you ain’t bigger than a fart.”
  • Canned iced tea is an abomination.
  • The bugs in this house are out to get me. They only come out when I’m alone. This time they sent a lizard.
  • You know you’re tired when you try to drink your coffee from a stapler.
  • What doesn’t kill you makes you look older.
  • To the homophobic vending machine at work: my dollar can’t get any straighter.
  • Just a word of advice…never say “maybe” to your kids. All they will hear is “I swear on my life this will definitely happen in 5 minutes.”
  • Ok, who left the bag of idiots open?
  • I think it’s time to get my caffeine deficiency under control.
  • Stopped at the gas station for a drink. When I pulled out my gas light came on. How’s that for observant?
  • I hope today is Asshole Day because I woke up prepared.
  • Work sucks the life and civil behavior out of me.
  • I’m officially naming my keys Waldo.
  • Steph – 1 Mike – 0. I definitely won the tent sleeping competition. I’m very sorry I punched you and took the blankets though.
  • Sometimes I think I must be the illegitimate love child of Juan Valdez and the Dairy Queen.
  • I think I’ll wear my “Responsible Adult” costume today and see if anyone recognizes me.
  • My car talks to me. It says things like “door ajar”, but never anything really helpful like “there’s a Trooper hiding in the bushes.”
  • If history repeats itself, I’m totally getting a dinosaur
  • Things my daughter taught me #683: “Leg pits” are the back of your knees and it’s very important not to forget to wash them. Does this mean I have to put deodorant on them too?
  • Just an observation: Even if you ARE a tiny, 100-year-old woman, if you have the spunk to flip me off, you should have the spunk to give it the gas.
  • Just bought pizza with no pants on. Take that, Acceptable Social Behaviors.
  • My attention span would be much longer if things weren’t so damn shiny!
  • I bring it down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
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